After 7 years at the helm Warren Gatland is finally running out of ways to lose to the Southern Hemisphere teams, he admits.
“At first I tried to lose to everybody, and my first grand plan of picking an average club team to play in the 6 Nations seemed like a good start, but I was foiled by just how crap all of Europe were, we went on to win the Grand Slam. So I had to change tact and just try to lose to the big teams”.
“That has brought some considerable success; we’ve only had to endure one win in my time in Wales”.
But things aren’t looking so promising for the future it seems…
“We’ve done the classics, losing with a last minute penalty, kicking the ball to talented players in the last minute and letting them through, but it’s getting harder and harder to think of ways we can get that all important loss.”
“To be fair we hit a home run in the World Cup, where we managed to not only lose in the semi final, but to a rubbish European team too. But we can’t keep getting red cards.”
“I thought we were on to an easy one on this tour. Keeping our captain, and his back up out, not taking anyone to play 7, leaving our kicker at home “injured”. And that worked for the 1st test.
“For this 2nd test I tried to make it even safer by ordering 2 yellow cards at the same time, but towards the end of the game I was panicking, we were still winning. Then Howley came up with a great idea – “penalty try” he cried.”
“We quickly got our water boy, the jug eared bloke, I forget his name, to get the order on the field. Liam Williams played a blinder in turning a must win situation into a losing position. All that was then needed was Dan Biggar to show that he is not Wilkinson, something we like to remind him of everyday, and we were home and dry. But it was a close call”.
“The problem is that we’re running out of ideas now. We know that the Welsh public rely on us to give heart breaking defeats they can moan about in work. Unless we can get some fresh ideas in we’re going to have to win some games soon.”
“The problem is that so many have already been used. I had thought maybe to get in a winning position and then get a streaker on to disrupt our flow, but it seems Graham Henry already did that one, so I’m struggling”.
An appeal is to go out in the Western Mail for creative ideas on how to fail in the next week or so. They are particularly keen to hear from management consultants with a long history in creative failure dressed as success.
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